The Balance of things light and dark
It’s been an interesting few months. I’ve participated in things like theta, reiki, manifestations, meditation and the hardest one of all for me, organization of my ideas and slowing my mind down. Recently I have been receiving almost a non-stop flow of ideas, focused and clear images of what needs to be done. One thing appears and manifests into that thing being set in motion. Each item connecting to the next, and the next and the next. There was a point that I was just exhausted, overwhelmed and unknowingly looked for ways to sabotage the whole process. An old behavior I am very aware of and no longer wanting to keep in my tool box.
Today I sit more comfortably in my imperfections, open eyed and a willingness to learn more. My heart still open despite past hurts, and a strength I treasure that keeps me going through moments of aches in my heart or belly when I think of peoples cruelty to others or myself.
I have noticed a thing in a persons eyes and face that I’m not sure science can explain. Lately, things like the light and the dark in people have been coming up a lot mostly because of what I’m working on. I have a clothing line that focuses on exactly that, and I haven’t had to think about the light part until now because I’ve been living it I guess. The last three years have been an incredible rollercoaster ride but I’m still hanging in there and doing my best to focus on the direction my Drive moves me.
I’ll explain more about my Drive. A week before my friend arrived I noticed that I looked very tired, my eyes weren’t refreshed or light, I had bags under my eyes and I just looked and felt older. I believe I have been sleeping okay but I’ve always been one to have active dreams almost every night. When she arrived I decided to stop working on work, but found myself talking about the things that inspired me. I felt a shift from heavy to light. Later that afternoon I showered and did my hair, I prepared to have a beautiful dinner with two friends and I looked in the mirror and noticed my eyes were brighter, my face seemed refreshed, my hair laid loosely on my head, something that I haven’t felt in weeks.
Right before dinner I had a one hour theta session, I was relaxed and after the session we talked. I was told the message that was received was I needed to ask for the ideas to slow down, to be ok that I wasn’t ready for it all. Take what I needed, jot down the rest and revisit when I’m ready. It’s funny that she would say that because a stream of ideas came at that moment and I was telling her how my mind works, describing that when it comes it won’t stop.
I always had a fear that I was going to get exactly what I wanted in life, the opportunity to just unleash my ideas and make them all happen, and the reason I feared it was because I imagined my physical body and brain would not be able to handle it. I thought this was pretty bizarre until I noticed that as I was talking and this flow of ideas were coming, that I instantly went from bright eyed to dark circles, I was exhausted and before I could speak the words of what was happening, my friend told me to stop that she just witnessed my face change, that I instantly looked tired.
So what drive transforms you. I just watched a portion of the Ted Bundy tapes and the reporter said when he interviewed Ted in prison that his eyes were bright blue, but when he was able to get Ted to talk about himself in the third person his eyes went completely black. I’ve seen people up close that have had this happen when they were in a complete rage, what I have come to find out is narcissistic rage. It’s not pretty, but this all got me to thinking.
I guess this can happen with anything, you don’t have to be a bad person. I’m no expert but I’ve had many moments that my eyes were dark and tired looking, I would feel a dark energy and until I learned how to release it I just held on to it. I still have a lot of past to work through, but I know that I at least always had choice, thoughts and actions all my own. I’ve experienced anger so deep that I thought the veins in my neck were going to explode, but I’ve also experienced these days of non-stop creating that feels amazing and uncontrollable. Like something has taken over my mind and body. Could this also be bad, can too much of one emotion or feeling, thoughts take control and age you. Can too much of a good or bad thing destroy someone.
I believe it can. I believe we need balance.
While I know that I’ve done a lot in the last two months, I’m also very excited that I’m allowing myself to believe in my ideas and know they are all possible. The other thing is the flow of messages from my products, clothing and story is exactly what I have found myself practicing lately. The Balance, the balance of drive, fear, anger, gifts, love, friendships, thoughts, working out, eating, talking, social media. Whatever I think is taking over too much of me at any given time, becomes an opportunity to acknowledge and balance it. It will always exist, the combination of light and dark is there.
What I choose to feed is up to me.
My vision for everything I have ever imagined, every idea I’ve ever come up with was “To Inspire someone else to create and believe in themselves. To express themselves and share their story through art.”
Today I sat on the beach a little lost, but there with one purpose. It was to just be ok with today, and just ask that my drive does not get influenced by the drive of others. I asked that whatever does not serve me be lifted. Today was a day to keep things so simple that I just repeated the words.
My drive for creativity was placed on the shelf and my feet placed in the sand, and like a child looks out innocently into the world, I stood there and said “Wow, what a big sand box I have.”
Today, I’m a little tired but strong. And I think that’s what this photo said to me.
Mucho Love, Jamie