This weeks topic comes at a perfect time, flashbacks of my past have been appearing quite often and I even had a moment of fear all by myself in a restaurant drinking a cranberry and ginger ale mixture. So before I explain, I just want to take you on a little journey.
Just imagine a storm, any storm, real or figuratively and you're standing in the middle of it. All these people or objects, responsibilities are circling you. Two things can happen, You can have a sense of calmness right before the storm whips you up and throws you across the road or you can have a true moment of clarity that shows you a way out.
For me this storm happened way before Super Storm Sandy hit me in 2012. I can't tell you exactly when things started getting out of control for me, but if I had to guess it was around 2010, 2 years after my injury which only really triggered the chaos that was dormant inside of me. But for those 2 years leading up to the Storm on October 29, 2012, "Doing the best I could" led me into the 'Eye of the Storm' almost everyday.
See I use to say all the time "Im doing the best I can", which really meant I had no idea what I was doing. I don't want to discount things I've done, I believe I did a lot of good things for my community while I was there, but I did the worst things to myself.
I got so used to being in the eye of the storm that I just became part of it, all my decisions for myself, my home, my business where made out of desperation to immediately fix whatever was broken. I didn't get objective help, why would I, I had faith or at least I thought I did.
But what's Faith with no Action.
So I became an expert at making Desperate Decisions while being in the middle of the Chaotic Life Storm I was in. And a few are documented in cyber space forever, interviews, articles, even the biggest job offer given to me on air. I know, how can I f*ck that up. The how was always the same, I had the talent to get it but I didn't know how to keep it.
October 29th, 2012 - The storm isn't quite here yet, it's around 2pm in my loft and I'm in my bedroom probably thinking about what accounts I can get this week or was it too early to go for a drink. The rain hasn't started but the wind has kicked up and my building feels like it's swaying, I hear a creek from a metal frame on my wall then I hear a crashing sound so loud. In those few seconds I jumped out of my bed and on to my knees and prayed because I was convinced my building and the huge billboard above me was collapsing.
Seconds later That silence and sense of calmness and moment of clarity hit me, everything was in black and white, I was in shock unable to remember my own best friends name to call her. I went to my kitchen and chained smoked until I could gather myself together.
Now, here's the important moment. I'm in The Eye of the Storm right at that moment, and I have been shown my two options. The sense of false calmness before the storm tosses me or that moment of clarity showing me faith with action to exit the storm. I chose the storm, It was all I knew, it was all I had to hold on to.
So now I stand here on October 29, 2012 watching the water rise and fearing it won't stop. Cars are stalled, huge planters and police barricades are floating towards us from blocks away. Electric transformers are sparking near the water and I have chosen to drink the night away while taking pictures and ignoring every single sign right in front of me. The image you see above is me standing in what used to be my comfort zone. I was 41 years old.
Today October 29, 2016 I'm 45 years old, I'm sober, tobacco free and I feel and look younger than I have in the last 10 years. Oh, and I absolutely love this life outside 'The Eye of the Storm'.
And I have learned I no longer need to make decisions out of desperation to fix what might be broken. Actually I haven't been in a desperate state of mind for almost 10 1/2 months and thats all because faith with action will provide everything I need.
And I no longer need to order Cranberry and ginger ale because I always have that sense of fear that the vodka will appear bringing back that storm that is so patiently waiting for me around the corner.
LOVE & SERENITY,