I've been in New York for 17 days now after being away in Australia for the last 8 month's and I'm full of mixed emotions. Being born and bred in The Bronx I never truly felt at home in NY, San Francisco always had my heart and now Melbourne has wrapped it's Aussie arms around it and squeezed so tight that it pumped life and love back into it. Besides the last 17 days the last time I was home sick was when I left California and that has me thinking "What is home?" and "Where is home?" I don't quite know the answer to this and I'm sure this topic will be revisited but this is what I'm feeling now. Taking a look at the similarities between San Francisco and Melbourne they are almost exactly the same.
The weather is beautiful, the air is cleaner, public transport seemed more open, relaxed and less chaotic. The friendships I made in both places were genuine, active and you just knew they were going to be longterm, I have a few of these here in NY but not as many as I would like and I know thats because of me. I felt in SF and Melbourne the sun shined brighter and the colors more vivid, people walked at a pace that allowed them to say "Hello" when passing by, less people complained about other peoples misery that made them more miserable which then contaminated the company that surrounded them. The overall quality of my life was just better, and that now has me thinking what was different about me during these two life changing moves. Did I become so guarded that I could no longer experience happiness or the beauty NY had to offer. Maybe.
I was 21 yrs old when I bought a one way ticket to California, a place I never visited in my life. This story is too much to explain now so I'll keep it short. It was too damn cold in NY one day and I purchased my ticket and when I arrived some girl whistled and winked at me from her car and all I could think was "I'M HOME, I f*cking love SF", My adventurous soul explored and took in everything San Francisco had to offer and even with my ups and downs the next 16 years it became home. When I left I really did feel "I left my heart in San Francisco".
Now at 44 yrs old, another too long of a story to explain but I needed to get the heck out of New York for my Mental Health and I'm sure I could have found a closer place to go but my higher power had other plans for me, I was presented with an opportunity to take 3 month's off from the mental obsession I had over what seemed to be everything, the box of being physically crippled by state organizations that only knew me by a case #, the doctors that always made me feel I would need them for the rest of my life and made me believe that there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel, and all the judgemental beings that surrounded me who I thought preferred to rally in my bottoms than to uplift me. I no longer had a good grip on reality, I was lost.
I had 3 month's to focus on me and only me, and during that time Australia cradled me like a baby, it showed me its beauty and the possibility of a better future. Australia is a day ahead of the rest of the world and I saw this as being a way to see a glimpse of my future, I imagined changing what happened the day before, I know it sounds silly but when I woke up in the morning I would think what stupid sh*t would I have done or felt yesterday in NY and I would do the complete opposite in Australia that day. It saved me, not immediately but a bit at a time. I felt freedom, a connection with the earth and people, when I walked my stride was more peaceful just like it was when I arrived in San Francisco. It along with many amazing souls I met in Melbourne I was now prepared for my journey back to NY.
Now present time in New York, day 1 off the plane I became so ill and wasn't able to eat for almost 5 days, day 6 I started hearing words that were saying I should be eating better or doing more like what I've already changed wasn't sufficient enough, I wanted to immediately buy a ticket right back to Australia where I felt safe. Now I know that I'm probably choosing to focus more on the negative but it's so hard to be positive when every 5 minutes was hearing what's wrong with the universe and everything thats a part of it. So I remembered I have a choice with this, If I want beauty I can get up and go find it, if I want positivity it has to start with me and everything I do. Do what I do when I'm in San Francisco or Melbourne...LIVE! with honesty and love in my heart, live like I want to live, enjoy myself while I'm here and make it home for as long as I need to. All I have to do is continue the daily things that make me a better person and only worry about my side of the street. Continue learning how to love and nurture myself.
So what have I learned? Where am I? Where is home?
I've learned that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and home is within me wherever i am.
I isolate and release all energy that is not mine, So be it and so it is.
Love and Serenity,