I get it now, Chekov was saying in order to have self-expression, we must first have a self to express.
For years I can only describe my creativity as 'Binge Creativity', I always knew I was creative but most days I just sat around thinking about what I wanted to do, but was always terrified to start. I convinced myself I needed to learn more about the 'How' before I started, because it had to be perfect, and this became a problem because I wanted to do everything. So, lots of researching, minimal learning and very little doing.
I've always been good at just figuring things out, the problem solver and proud Macgyver skills anytime you needed a hand. But I grew tired of just being content with my jack of all trades abilities, I wanted something to be passionate about.
I didn't know the self I wanted to express, I didn't even know I had to search for it. Now I'm expressing myself through drawings, photography, a few product designs and a weekly blog I've been doing since July 2016. I cant even express how good it feels to have let go of that feeling of not being good enough. To be able to say "I don't care what anyone else thinks about what I'm doing, or what I'm wearing, or my haircut, or my gauge size, or my choice of business name, or what passion I have this week". Just doing is my goal, and I'm good enough.
It almost seemed like the happier and more awake I became, the unleashing of negative opinions about my life started. It became harder to avoid the killjoys and not let them affect me when escape routes were unavailable. My willingness to surrender and let go of the things got me through the few awkward / tough moments over the last 5 months. I have a handful of trusted friends that took the time out to let me ramble on without telling me what to do, but showed me through example a better way of handling things. This along with my program and creative spiritual journey have helped me become better.
Today I sat by myself, stared off to the ocean in front of me with a steady heartbeat, a smile and enveloped in peace. Probably the most amazing feeling I've ever had and I have them often now. While having gratitude for the family I'm with that took the time of adding my writing days and meeting commitments to the family schedule, reminding me that its important to them because its important to me. Maybe a small action seen by others but an unforgettable act of unconditional love, an action that has always been shown to me.
My Binge Creativity is described as not doing anything for a long period of time but when I get that confidence or belief in myself, I start creating and I won't stop until I'm exhausted and have no more to give. Never really controlling my creativity, or even knowing what direction I was going. Even being sober I had my moments of doing this, and it's exhausting. A pattern that eventually produced more blocks to my creativity.
Today I understand this behavior a little more, and can recognize when it creeps up. I try and focus on having a balance now and understanding that my mind along with my body needs a rest. A little at a time has shown me more beauty and greatness in my ability to create, a lesson I learned while doing The Narthex Project at the Church of the Village last year.
“If you want to work on your art, work on your life.” ― Anton Chekhov
We are all creatives: Artists, Writers, Musicians, Teachers, Doctors, Yogis, Designers, Photographers, Parents, Leaders, HUMANS.
See no matter what you do you have creativity, the ability or power to create and influence change or inspire others. You have the ability and power to create something instead of imitate. Learn from those who influenced your journey, follow their behaviors until you form your own. Be mindful, be grateful, be willing, be open, be thankful and say it. You will invite more happiness into your life when you participate in positive ways. I'm a true believer in positive affirmations, they work, and they wont kill you.
So I get to enjoy 9 more days in Bali before I travel for the next few months and I am thankful everyday for that opportunity. Im ready for today.
Love and Gratitude,