'I had an uncontrollable urge to sit down and tell my story, because no one else will, and if something is making you feel strange and afraid, chances are it’s making someone else feel that way too. They just need someone else to say it first. So I recorded a video of myself talking people through my journey of self realizations, abusive relationships, suicide attempts, finally coming out of the closet, and ultimately survival, and I posted it up on Youtube for the whole world to see.' - Evan Rachel Wood
A feeling I have now every day and almost every morning I wake and think 'What can I do today, what part of me can I share.'
First off I want to say I'm being realistic that I will not be able to release this person from all aspects of my life. No matter what I do it's impossible, especially when the memory of something long forgotten pops up right when you are at your happiest. I can say I will do my best with releasing all that I know at the moment and appreciate any gifts I may have received. Work on making myself stronger, and I don't mean build a wall to avoid feeling pain, but to FEEL the pain and get through it in one piece.
Right now my chest is tight, I feel a rapidness of my heartbeat and I'm trying to work out how best way to share this story with you all and not come across as cruel, to keep my words filled with honesty but not hate. Continue to have respect for other peoples choices but never stop honoring my own right to share my story.
I cannot be expected to work on myself and never discuss my past. If I look close enough, the good and the bad have formed me into who I am. I will only talk about things that I know to be true, I'll ask questions of the things I have a hint of remembering, and I have the right to speak of them because they are things that have either been allowed to happen to me or I have allowed to happen to me. This is only my story.
I have sat around the tv screen too often with friends and family members having opinions of a movie that revealed unimaginable acts, true stories that start a discussion on 'How can people do these things to each other? Or 'Why didn't he/she say something' well while I was an equal participant in these conversations I was also thinking, some of these things happened to me, some of these things are still happening to me and almost always just kept things to myself, the Silent Warrior.
I remembered when I was getting a healing session that the healer said she felt a negative person or energy on my left side and that we were going to ask it to leave but first we had to thank it for it's service. I didn't immediately understand why, but then she explained that even though it was a bad energy and it blocked my creative and loving self, it did so by guarding me from things that potentially I wouldn't have known how to handle. I could feel her words when she said them, I cried an uncontrollable cry when I repeated the words "I release you and thank you, but your services are no longer needed" followed by "I release all energy that does not belong to me, so be it and so it is" along with "I love myself and I am deserving of love."
This was a powerful release of self hatred, addiction, pain, being a victim, resentments and as I released, I felt as though I cried buckets of anger and sadness, a release of negative energies that I had carried around for most of my life. I was now surrounded by this bubble of light, a bubble that I knew was not a forever security but one that would allow me to work on my core, an area of myself I was never able to get to. It has now been over a year since i've had this healing and I can feel a difference, a pressure, a tiny build up of past emotions and a poking of current energies. This tells me I'm slightly off track or I need more healing juice for the next part of my journey.
I know it sounds like I'm talking in code or some spiritual mumbo jumbo but I'm trying to visually understand what I feel now, it seems to have a more thorough healing for me.
I present a risk of some sort of verbal or visual backlash by sharing this on my public site and I realized I'm okay with that. See I wasn't able to defend myself before because my addiction was used as fuel to demean me. How could I fight when I couldn't get off of the hamster wheel.
So let's get to it. Ofcourse today my trusty facebook reminder showed me a post from 2012, and it was a mass email that was sent out to multiple people from my biological father telling people not to deal with me. Now let me tell you that a portion of this email is completely true, I was right at the beginning of my spiral. But his intent wasn't to help others more than it was to hurt me.
This relationship became unreal, the stuff this man would say or threaten me with I've never seen before. But because I had an addiction people wouldn't believe it until it happened to them. I've had my life threatened, physical fights, police called, and more that I've decided to let go. The things I know to be true they become a memory or time I'm not allowed to ask about. A memory that has brought up so many more, but I'm faulted for not forgiving the past I only just found out about.
I will not make an account of all things because I have already let go of my resentments towards him and others involved. What I will say is that I thought it would all go away when I released these resentments not realizing I may also have to release the love I have for him.
See he's my father, I remember learning carpentry and sewing and painting along with my MacGyver skills that I revel about so often. He is the most artistic person I know and the most blocked I know and the most deceiving person I have ever met, but he's my father.
I've learned how to let go of anger, hate, resentments and I'm no longer scared to do these things but WTF, how do you let go of that deep seeded unconditional love you have for someone only because they are your parent. Sure, there are courses and steps and therapist and healers, but we will always be around another family that has children and parents and we'll crave for that experience, or long for a redo, and sometimes we forgive in a way that makes us blind to have that disfunctional relationship repeat itself again.
So today, I cried at the beach in Bali and I cried hard, and this time I cried as I let go of that Idealistic love I craved for. I released it and said Thank you, but your services are no longer needed, and my expectations are now removed, so be it and so it is.
Love & Healing,