Before I had a car (code for a program in recovery) I was navigating through the woods with a candle desperately searching for a road, any road that would lead me to something better than what I had. That candle light represented my first step, the beginning when I knew I was surrounded by darkness and despair, a moment in my life when I truly knew I couldn't keep traveling life in the dark. I feel like I've always been blessed with an enormous amount of faith, no matter how bad things got I knew they would get better, but I started to lose my ability to wait and I just got tired of living life in the eye of the storm.
Over the next few months of learning how to just live without the wants, I was able to gain something I needed. I was now gravitating towards people who had something I wanted, yes recovery was one of them but this attitude of gratitude along with a genuine happiness and ability to live life on life's terms was attractive. I wanted what they had, so I payed attention and listened to suggestions, I worked on getting to know myself better and knew I had to do this slowly. There was no way I was able to drive this car on the local streets without a licensed driver in the car with me.
Now 16 1/2 months later I am more capable of driving, my headlights are shining their light on the road ahead and I'm reminded that there's a combination of things needed to get from point A to point B:
- Gas in the car (make sure I'm never too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired)
- Headlights work ( I'm working my program, talking with my sponsor, doing the right thing, passing it on)
- GPS (making sure I pay attention to my faith, Gut feelings and follow my spiritual GPS)
Light plays a crucial role for all travelers 'Like an auto headlight that spots dangers in the road ahead or assures us the road is safe and smooth, because without illumination we are sure to stumble.
We were't just born with the skill to drive, it takes practice. I’m sure many of us had some funny moments backing up to a poll, or driving on the curb by accident, or maybe even forgetting to put the car in drive and going in reverse instead. These are mistakes that hopefully we pay attention to and try to not repeat.
Just as life we have to pay attention to the outcome of an action, how do we maintain ourselves, did we act in a way that allows us to lay our heads down at night peacefully. Daily reflection for me is important, it allows me to not hold grudges because I can immediately see my part in things and work to do something different.
So I ask the question ‘Are your headlights working? and ‘How about your spiritual GPS?’ and I ask this because its natural for us to want a different result than what we have but let us not bypass the amazing little gifts we might have already received throughout the year and see how these things as a whole are getting us closer to something more spectacular.
I can say with confidence that my headlights are working and that my spiritual GPS is fully charged and guiding me in the right direction. This past year I can gather some pretty big amazing gifts but its the smaller ones that mean the most. The commitment that some will make to rebuild a relationship with you and acknowledging that nothing is ever one sided amazes me. I'm no longer afraid to make mistakes or say I don't know something, I'm more open to learning new things and experiencing new cultures. I appreciate myself and acknowledge I have a lot to offer.
My life now is a reflection of my hard work, daily meetings in the beginning because 1 or 2 wasn't going to teach me how to live life. Asking questions, being vulnerable, being socially awkward are all things I'm still practicing to change or be better at.
I can now see the road ahead that was completely blocked only just 17 months ago, all I could see was black and could barely speak the words to explain how I was feeling.
So if you ever wanted to know why I developed a BLAME IT ON JAMIE website, which can come across as negative statement / title, its because It's me. Blame it on Jamie is all of me that is my past with no regrets, Blame it on Jamie Reconditioned is my present. To Recondition my mind, my words, my physical, my spiritual self to be better. I have allowed myself however long I need to make these changes, sometimes quickly and sometimes very slowly, but the miracle is looking down at my feet and acknowledge where I am standing at this moment and to remember that day in my dark room over a year ago not wanting to see the light of day ever again. Today I can't even imagine ever feeling that despair again, I can't imagine ever not having hope.
Today I am grateful that I found the faith and surrender needed on November 13th 2015, so I could be standing right here in Bali with my best friend Julie and my goddaughter Isabella and Luca, Kyleigh, Gene and Tripp. To be open to not knowing and trusting that I will be exactly where I need to be and that there is a whole world of opportunities just waiting for me.
I can't wait to share the two major projects I'm working on.
verb re·con·di·tion \ˌrē-kən-ˈdi-shən\
1: to restore to good condition (as by replacing parts)
2: to condition (a person, a person's attitudes, etc.) anew; also : to reinstate (a response) in an organism