I've been avoiding this subject for quite sometime now, mostly because it was suggested I don't enter into a relationship during my first year of sobriety and because I really wasn't ready to face all the facts of me.
Let me warn you now, I'm not feeling well at the moment and the subject is a little sensitive, it's like going shopping at the grocery store when you're hungry (you shouldn't) I probably shouldn't write about relationships while my emotions are heightened, but here I go.
Over the last few months or so I've been imagining the type of person I would be in a relationship with and the first thing was I absolutely could not be in a relationship with someone who could not handle the things I write about in my blog, someone who made me feel I had to curb my words so there feelings weren't hurt. The fact is I will write about whatever I'm going through from the previous week and just like my sobriety this process has helped me grow. It's not something I can see giving up or modifying for someone else.
The picture above says a lot to me, it's from my photoshoot for a shirt line I had back in 2010, I came up with the idea of the ADDICT shirt and designed and printed for this shoot first thing that morning. It ending up being one of my favorite shots. Theres a few things this shot tells me:
- Her hand placement could be saying "she's guiding him" "she will comfort him" and maybe she trusts him but at the same time she's guarded.
- He is unsure and scared about commitment, maybe he has projected failure before giving it a chance.
- They are feeding off of these unspoken/untrue feelings and have already doomed themselves to fail
- Both are addicts to something in their own rights but neither wants to admit, it follows them around for all others to see.
Then there is the other perspective that they will both guide each other down this journey and accept their character defects / addictions as their own. They can give each other space but that small swipe of the hand around your waist reminds you that he or she is there.
My past has shown me a lot about who I've been with and what I felt comfortable in, and these are still things I'm finding more about today. I can go on and on about every detail but the goal is to be one step closer to knowing the type of person I think i'm compatible with. One that can allow me to grow at my own pace and be who I am. Not one who says they can be these things but there actions are different.
I know this all too well and have done it myself.
So who should I be with, maybe another recovering Alcoholic/Addict, someone who understands what I go through and how I process. Maybe they can be more understanding, this might work. I guess dating someone in the program can also have its downfalls, they too struggle and they have the risk of relapse and maybe even defects in their character and personality that even the program can't change.
Then there is the Normy, the one who understands you can't drink but doesn't have a problem drinking. Do they really understand or are they in denial that they self medicate in one shape or form. Who is really normal?
Then the Other, now this person can be any combination of the previous two or has grown up around this, and maybe is more in tune with who they are.
No matter who you are I need someone is isn't afraid to be vulnerable, someone who's only telling me what I can already see in their actions and not some fairytale version of themselves. Someone striving for something better and who works on having a positive outlook on things daily, or at least try. These are things that should come naturally because they can't survive without them. A big thing for me is how you treat others and talk about other people, if it's bad then it's an instant no for me. You must also love kids.
I am compassionate toward people going through their own struggles and addictions, and in the past I wanted to be that codependant fixer upper. But today I can't be that, it is dangerous for my newly found recovery. I'm only a 17 months old in recovery years, I'm just a baby. I'm only describing the intimate relationship part, I will never turn my back on someone in need who is struggling in the program.
I surround myself with people who have the qualities that I want in a partner, so yes I can probably see dating at least half of my friends, LOL. I love you all and maybe a few I love a little extra.
So I guess the outcome is I am one step closer to knowing who I'm compatible with by starting with the people I surround myself with, removing the things that don't work leave an opening for the things that do.
The other thing is I am not ready for a relationship, one because I'm too busy roaming the world and being free and learning how to do the things I enjoy doing and making it a part of my daily life. Creating new habits, positive ones, and loving myself. I enjoy meeting new people and developing new friendships even with people I've known for years.
So sometimes what your looking for isn't what you need and sometimes whats right in front of you can be hard to see. All I can do is let go and trust my journey, trust it will lead me to great places and great people.
So you can see this picture as maybe i'm digging a hole but I see it as I'm laying down the foundation. So the answer is ME, I am compatible for the first time ever with ME.
Love & Serenity, Jamie