Anger, Resentments, Fear, Sex and Money...were all my number one problems before I ever picked up a drug or a drink and they can still be, even while I'm sober. One year ago I printed out a worksheet that required me to look at these four areas of my life:
- Sex Conduct
- Harm to Others
Are you serious! I had convinced myself that I was going to be completely honest with the 80% I was willing to write down. I couldn't even lie to myself, see because I knew the other 20%, and it would haunt me for as long as I kept it a secret. Not only did I have to see these secrets down on paper I had to verbally share them with another person. The release of fear, anger, resentments and tears I had that day were life changing and today I am reminded that this journey is not even 3/4 of a the way through the first pass. If you don't know what that means, it's the 12 steps, Steps that I will do over and over again for the rest of my life. Steps that will lift me and carry me to a more balanced and productive life.
Some people ask do I think I will need to do this forever and my answer is I want to, I guess I can compare this to a few things people do like:
- Healthy Eating
- Yoga / Meditation
- Working Out
- Academics / Higher Education
- Growing a Business
All of these things are done to become a better you and require daily upkeep, practice, passion, some or all can be a life or death situation. So I feel the same way about myself, I wasn't a bad person I was sick and lost my ability to choose the right way. Today my life is calmer, I only removed alcohol and drugs to get to the root of my anger, resentments, fear, sex conduct, and money problems, it's not perfect but I can say with 100% honesty that I work on these things the best I can and I still share with that one person because I don't want these things to rule my life any longer.
So now I'm again asked to be fearless and thorough and my first reaction is slightly different from the last, I'm now willing to write down 90% and try and convince myself to hold back on the other 10%. See that's natural and I'm not perfect, but I am willing and for me the process is life or death. Doing whatever it takes to keep what I have is NUMBER 1 on my list.
See I now have to make another list, a list of all people I have harmed and make amends to them if possible, and of course the first thing that pops up are the people I can't see myself ever apologizing to. Hint hint, I may have acquired a few resentments back, lol.
But again, all part of the process. When I did my resentment list a swore up and down I only had 5-10 people to put on that list, after being sent home to work on it for the week I came back with 75. A list of that included the obvious family members but also stuff I held on to from my teens like my uncle not picking me up for my biggest televised track race, or the fear I had to be on Good Morning America as one of The Bronx female breakdancers, or my job failing to listen to my safety concerns and causing me permanent physical damage, or my job putting me through hell to convince the courts the percentage of my injury, or how alcohol became my escape from chronic pain and chaos that I had unwillingly found myself with.
Maybe this sounds like I'm revisiting my resentments but in fact its a reminder that they will never be healed unless I write them down and I will never move on until I see my part in it. No matter what I complain about or what someone else does to me to make me angry, this program has shown me to take responsibility, be accountable and always see my part. Think before I speak, stay calm, give up control, know it has nothing to do with me. It has given me a freedom free of fear and anxiety, worry and isolation. And because of that I very seldom have the same conflicts anymore, I've eliminated my part and now it can't grow into that out of control chaos I thought I enjoyed so much.
My goal today, just today is to find a way to balance my recovery better, continue to trust in my journey and to be of service. Do the right thing all the time and protect the most important thing to me, my recovery.
Now back to this worksheet, over the next few months I suppose I will be making some amends in person and via any other approved method until I return to New York and California. I will be making amends according to this worksheet to people who will be a challenge and ones that might not even remember what the hell I'm talking about, either way I am ready and willing and scared and excited because I can only get better if I keep going.
I don't have to worry about anything except keeping "MY SIDE OF THE STREET" clean which is the title of today's photo.
This Blog is dedicated to my all time favorite Aunt, friend who guided me in coming out, taught me my first spanish tongue twister and taught me the Serenity Prayer. She lost her battle with drugs November 24th, 1999. RIP my beautiful Titi Miriam, I know you have watched over me especially during my struggles. You are my ANGEL and I call for you all the time, you would be so proud of me Titi. I will be getting your rose tattoo this year.
Love & Serenity,