A little after 3am this morning we experienced our 4th earthquake here in Bali, and it wasn't a simple shake and rattle, it was an intense i'm going to move you and whatever you're sitting on an inch over here kind of earthquake. 'I'm going to wake you from your deep sleep shake', the one that says oh you thought this was over but here I come again, then it will sprinkle a little 'lets look at the sea and wonder if a tsunami is coming next' kind of anxiety.
It was a surrender moment, and as real as the possibility that the big one was coming and the ceiling could come crashing down, it all became a metaphor for my life. A reminder with the many I received throughout the day that I'm only at the beginning, the beginning of understanding who I am. Constantly learning and only being presented with new lessons only when my higher power sees fit for me to handle if I open myself to my truth.
My blog has been a big part of my recovery because I was the talker, explaining myself and my situation to receive understanding. My sponsor explained that when I do an inventory, which is writing down on paper my part in a situation, that I give it life. Allowing myself no escape from seeing it written, only then can I accept and change my behavior and character defects. So along with my inventory my blog has been a public share of acknowledging my faults and lessons on paper. This is not a replacement for other work I must do to change.
Since September of last year I have talked about this new found freedom from my defects, the emotions that controlled my behavior. Today I talk about how cunning these behaviors can be and mask themselves as justified when the mind says its so. Just like that sunset I said a few days ago I was waiting for it to envelop me with peace and joy I was instead enveloped with resentment, justification bad habits of self sabotage and isolation.
Torn between knowing my self worth and how to acknowledge and express that to the people around me, and the fear of actually being responsible or the possibility of failure and not knowing how to give an amends in such a short period of time when I had months. Procrastination creeping up because of embarrassment, shame, love, resentment, and definitely a bit of future tripping.
I had this WOW moment, and not a good wow but how the heck did I get so blinded so quickly. Well, because I'm human and caring for others and learning how to talk again is tough, and admitting to my faults isn't always a natural ability. My life isn't perfect and experiencing this was needed, because this time I'm ready for it. I was no where close to being ready for something like this November of last year when I had a year sober.
And so I reached out to my fellows in the program just to find out I'm not special and all of this is normal, they commend me on acknowledging these behaviors and having a willingness to work on them. But just like everything in life it's not only the action of just acknowledging, it's the action of doing the work that gets results. Getting a dose of the things that help me through these situations are crucial, but only happen if I pick up the phone.
2 weeks...2 WEEKS is how long I was possessed by my old behaviors. One resentment led to another, one doubt led to many, and fear and uncertainty that I worked so hard to rid myself of found a crevice and filled my mind, and the most disturbing is most of it was all made up. I exaggerated true feelings that I didn't know how to express into a story that allowed me to avoid conflict, one that would allow my fear to tell me I don't need anyone.
I would convince myself that my newly found recovery was a recovery from the world. A momentary extreme of thoughts, fears and resentments that took over my common sense and spiritual connection.
I opened up my Daily Reflections book this afternoon and again I was reminded of what works and what doesn't. "It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness...But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, the business of resentment is infinitely grave."
Know God; Know Peace. No God; No Peace.
And for those that don't believe in God, but do in a higher power, something greater, science, or your own connection to another person, it's all the same. It's whats true to you.
So after the many earthquakes and waking to a dream of a tsunami that I ended up surviving with the family, I woke up relieved and grateful. My mind was filled with the words of a good friend of mine who talked me through my craziness and listened, and that's how this works. I walked away knowing that I'm a little crazy sometimes and I'm trying to prove more to myself than to anyone else.
If I look back on this, everything has all been perfectly planned and absolutely not my doing. I reconnected with my goddaughter and best friend, strained but all open in our own way to accepting each other back. If you asked me January of 2016 I would have said I didn't think I could ever face either one of them again, what would I say? Sorry wouldn't be enough.
So now I sit here the past two weeks knowing I won't see my goddaughter for a very long while and my best friend is leaving for a few months and I pressured myself to either give up on trying to fix things or sabotage it, as we alcoholics do for no good apparent reason other than self will.
I forgot that Julie has always had unconditional love for me, and not just the kind you say you have but the one you show. In everything she spoke about me it was my friend protecting my name, making sure I was respected in her presence but always having true conversations about her concern for my well being. She made one last attempt on my birthday last year June 1st and I was well enough to respond. I took that email as my best gift ever received on my birthday, ever, ever, ever.
Now only two weeks away from it being one year since I reconnected with my friend in Bali of all places, how can I sabotage this now. I have made a commitment that even when uncomfortable I will not run.
I left that friend I was able to talk to about anything, the stupid silly embarrassing things that I couldn't tell anyone else. When I left California I never found that again and I didn't even know how to develop that with someone. Today I have forgotten what that was, and instead of being patient I was disturbed that I couldn't just skip the bad and jump back into what was.
Three times you offered me an opportunity to change my life, numerous times you showed me how much you wanted me around, endless times you have shown me how much you trust and respect me...and I never knew I turned my back on that or why. What I craved most from others you gave freely. I love you and cherish our friendship and I hope to develop it more over the second half of our lives.
So when the ground shakes beneath your feet, don't run for cover - take off your shoes and walk through the rubble one step at a time. It may hurt at first but smooth ground isn't far away.
Love and Serenity, Jamie