Do you see me? What's my story? How much is hidden but seen in our eyes?
Today it was difficult to sit in front of the camera, being still and feeling my emotions with just simple words with simple music. It wasn't even the song as a whole that triggered emotions but maybe just a word, or the passion in the voice, or the act of just sitting and realizing where my mind had wandered to. I have a natural fear of the possible volcano eruption but today I compared the worst case scenario to my fear at my lowest of lows, and it inspired this.
Today turned into an experiment to see if my eyes could tell a story with music, then I decided to watch it without the music. It was missing something, it was missing my words. As I watched the video on my laptop I was recording audio on my phone. No rehearsal, no notes, just the first thing that popped into my head while watching the video. It's just what my eyes were telling me.
So if you have the time, tell me what you think. How did each video make you feel. Each video is 14 minutes long.
- Can You See Me? Hear My Voice, is my voice over
- Do You See Me? has music in the background
Remembering my past and how far along I've come I was instantly overtaken with thoughts of other people, teenagers that are also struggling with depression and/or addiction waiting for someone to see them. Reminding ourselves that someone has to "See Me" crying behind my smile, someone is sure to "See Me" dying behind my laugh.
And we wait, and wait and some people do see us and they give us a hand, but the ones we wanted to see us still don't. We sometimes pull away from that helping hand. Desperate and afraid that the love we seek will come from them, they will save us.
I'm 5 and I didn't even know I was asking for help or that I was not seen.
Now I'm 10, and I still don't think they see me but now they don't see us. Over the years, more of us appear, and if you look closely to the family photos you can see we all look the same. Can you see us? or are we blind or in denial of it.
Now I'm 43 and I'm again searching for that person to see me, but they don't and they won't. It's now clear I either learn to die or I learn to live, but waiting in hell is no longer an option.
Now I'm 46 and I am better, naive at times thinking if I'm better they are better. Learning everyday that It only matters if I see me, If I love me.
Now I'm here saying this journey is hard but not impossible, we learn day by day to stop waiting and start living. Sometimes the ones we are waiting for are just as damaged as we are, their journey will come but ours starts now.
Take a look around at the ones you love, do you truly see them. Have you asked them, have you honestly shared your story with them.
Here's a small tip, If you share something uncomfortable but honest about yourself, it will break the ice and a whole new freedom will come. They may even have a similar story, they may want to ask how you survived, they may want to know they are not alone, they may have received all the answers they have been waiting for.
Let us help each other take the first step to seeing ourselves for the beautiful, magnificent, talented, loving, courageous humans we are.
I SEE YOU!
Mucho Love, Jamie
If you have family or friends suffering there is also help for you:
ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics http://www.adultchildren.org/
GET HELP BELOW:
National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663
This resource provides brief interventions for youth who are dealing with pregnancy, sexual abuse, child abuse, depression and suicidal thoughts. They also provide referrals to local counseling, treatment centers, and shelters.
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)