It's An Inside Job

Here I am, right at the edge of 4 years sober and at the beginning of a new journey. I’ve known for quite some time that a major change was coming, I could feel it at my core, and over the years I’ve accepted change with open arms. From day one in New York, I was thrown back into the lion’s den of life, being of service to people I care for, and some not so pleasant situations that would’ve triggered me in the past back into my drinking and using as a way to cope. Instead, I found other ways to distract myself. Today I heard something I really related to

“When you don’t know where you’re going, distractions look like opportunities.”

I’m no stranger to distractions, it has fueled me in many ways for many years, possibly most of my life up until now. The difference now is I can stop and see them, I can welcome the outside view of trusted friends to put some of my actions and reactions into perspective. I don’t want to enter my 50’s in the same cycle with the same outcomes. I’m enjoying this freedom from chaos and this path to purpose. Working towards where I want to go and not just working to be busy. I want to accept opportunities that get me closer to my purpose in life.

It was a total of four weeks of listening, relating and understanding someone else’s pain, my inner fixer rearing its head as a way to contribute and not think about the situation surrounding me. All I had to do was survive my time in NY and find my way home where I felt safe and strong. I did all I knew how, I attended meetings, I spent time with my grandmother, I laughed and I acknowledged some things that no longer served me.

Caring for myself is high on my priority list and it really all starts from within, a job that requires help sometimes from others that have walked and survived similar situations. The inside job is learning how to declutter your emotions, your thinking, your space, resentments and more.

I’m finally somewhere I can call home, and the last two days I have tried to analyze the events over the last month and what the lesson might be. I keep coming back to “It’s an inside job”.

Things like hydrating my body, resting and eating, and not protecting myself from a feeling but allowing myself to let go of one. As I go through life in early recovery I’m reminded this is a lifetime of learning and growing. Family issues, and pain I may have suffered arent solved within the first year but over time. As we grow in recovery, therapy, in our spiritual journey we will be confronted with more, some easy and some not so easy. I realized long ago I’m not alone, many have experienced what I have experienced and my only hope is to share my story and give hope to just one other person. Because living today isn’t as hard as I thought, on that hopeless bottom I had four years ago.

Some people take supplements for anxiety, depression, vitamins, and pills to increase energy, and all of those are fine. For me, the resentments, fears, anger, addictions, hurt, worthiness, love, lack of love, being a fixer of all things especially people were things I had to resolve inside myself. Isolating during times of pain and avoidance only pushed me deeper into the abyss of hopelessness. Something I no longer feel today because of the work I did on myself.

It was only in recovery that I learned it was time to heal me from the inside out and not the other way around, to heal myself and not others, took a lot of practice. I never knew how many things I did for others that were just a way to avoid my own feelings or trauma, it kept me preoccupied enough for the feeling to pass and then I would do it again. Today I have found a new freedom and a new happiness that comes from accepting myself fully and allowing myself to feel all the feelings. I also know that it is ok to have some of these defenses during recovery and to be patient with myself as long as I’m doing the work. There’s a lot of history to work through and we aren’t always ready for it. I have surrounded myself with people that are accepting, and caring and more importantly are also working on healing themselves. They provide me a safe space to experience things as I’m ready, to share about hard to talk topics when I’m triggered.

All the things I was sure I could handle when I got back, but that little voice every so often whispering “What if you can’t.”.

This Inside job forces me to pick up my phone and face the things that may not be easy, it allows me to say no, and to be truthful about not being ready. It allows me to make amends right away, and to practice self-care. This inside job provides me a way to say I love me enough to do something about the things that hurt, and to work on the things I want to make better, this inside job appreciates my talents and contributions.

Last week I was interviewed for a podcast to share my journey and my purpose. Not knowing if I was ready I still said yes, It was an amazing opportunity for me to share the most important experiences of my life. the first was the desire to live and the second my faith and connection to a higher power that allowed me a way through art and writing to express my hope, pain, and vulnerabilities that provided me an avenue to start the healing process.

Art for me is also an inside job, my connection to my higher power only comes when I am honest and open and willing to learn.

The person I thought of while writing this blog was the queer 16-year-old addict longing to be loved by the ones that hurt him the most. New in recovery in hopes that by being sober, all his problems would be solved. This was me for many years and it took many attempts trying things differently to see that It was never about fixing the outside circle of friends or family but fixing the damage I felt way deep inside. My message for you is don’t leave before the miracle happens, wake up each day and allow yourself the time to grieve. Surround yourself with a fellowship that gives you a safe space. Leave all the complicated stuff aside until you are able. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep your thoughts where your hands are.

Take it one day at a time.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s blog.

Mucho Love, Jamie