AOC provided me with more insight than I was expecting in 2019

It’s around 10pm on a Wednesday night in 2019 here in Atlanta and I’ve decided to relax in bed and watch a movie after what seemed to be a mentally draining day. My hearts beating out of my chest because of my poor decision to have a coffee at 7pm and my mind jumping from trying to figure out how my day got all screwy to setting deadlines, figuring out my purpose, or can I survive this next chapter in my life. And if you are familiar with an Alcoholic mind at all, you’ll know my thoughts were like a pinball machine bouncing between the past, present, future, to the best and the worst happening.

This happened for the first hour of “Knock down the House” the Netflix special about Alexandria Ocasio-Ortez and three other women running primary campaigns. I really wanted to zone out and just take in the story behind this strong Bronx girl taking on big money and challenging political norms.

I have to admit I will need to watch this again because my head was definitely all over the place. But as my my mind settled on the the thought of failing, the next scene was AOC sitting down with a radio show. It was like a slap in the face, a reality check from my higher power. My eyes instantly left AOC’s face to the corner of that room and I realized this was my old loft.

The loft I started my dreams in, the loft I welcomed local artists to, the loft I tried to start my business in, the loft I tried to build a home in. The beginning of that time flooded my mind with white walls, bright eyed me ready to conquer the world. Right after that I was flooded with this was also the loft Super Storm Sandy collapsed my roof, it was where the parties happened, it was where i allowed myself to be taken advantage of, it was the loft I last tried to take my life, It was also the loft that gave me the gift of power to make that life saving call.

I quickly realized that no matter what I’m experiencing now, even during a short moment is nothing compared to the struggles I had back then in that loft. It was also a reminder that I’m better now, more capable of following and accomplishing my dreams. That any bumps in the road don’t have to lead to drinking and despair. I’m also reminded that I have a business in Bali, and I am traveling, and slowly my business is coming to fruition, and I’m sober doing it.

The biggest reminder last night was I don’t need to fear the unknown as long as I’m continuing to work on myself and my recovery.

Today I knew I needed a meeting, and definitely another one tonight, it’s just that kind of day. But the meeting I did go to earlier was wonderful, today’s topic was on justifiable anger or resentment and it’s dangers. Do we struggle with it, have we recently encountered it and just to share what we experienced. Resentment and anger are the downfall of any recovering addict, eventually leading us back to using or unhealthy behaviors. I knew that a slow build of expectations was the real driving force behind it all. I was able to realize the fault I had since the beginning, a behavior that has done some damage to me in the past and one not so easy to recognize and change for good for every situation.

It’s moment’s like these that allow me the opportunity to not have words and place myself in a place to listen, be guided to take the next right step, and take personal inventory of myself and share with my fellows in recovery. That is what allows me the greatest opportunity to heal from within.

Mucho Love,

Jamie