It's been another jammed packed week of emotions and life changing events, but I want to talk about how freakin shy I get. My commutes to work this past week and having people stop in the church while I'm working have confirmed that I am absolutely shy "in a way".
I know I know it's hard to believe because after you get to know me I'm a chatter box, and even a flirt but it's those moments before we meet and actually have something to talk about that I'm a scared little 3 year old.
You can forget about me asking you out to dinner or lunch and calling it a date because unless I'm intoxicated and attempted to make out with you I'm most likely not confident enough to think you're interested in me. So if your not asking me out its probably not happening any time soon.
A few of you know how confident I could get after a few drinks and the so called straight girls, but I'm getting older now and hanging out at bars is not my thing and I'm not saying find me another environment to do the same thing. That's not me anymore.
Now with that being said I love being around people, enjoy good conversations and that "no pressure" kind of environment. Give me that and I will surely chat your ear off for hours.
So how do I develop my mojo while keeping some of my shyness and all the while being sober, and do I want to right now (develop my mojo). The last week I've had women smile at me and some innocent flirting with one that stopped in the church, which was weird and that one friend I've had a crush on for years and I just can't figure out what I'm supposed to say that tells you I want to get to know you better. Maybe this is difficult because I feel like I'm not ready, why start something if my plan is to leave or travel for a while.
Also I'm not looking for a fling, I want to find that one, that one I can be in love with and independent from, that one that has a passion for something and that people adore, that one that strengthens my energy and we glow together. Everyone knows I know how to share my passion for being in love, and I have no fear of giving myself entirely but now I'm at a place where I better understand myself and what I want. I have no place in my heart or life for the vain, or anyone that puts others down because of there class or race etc., I don't want to feel like I may change the way you look at me if I wear socks with my chancletas or the cuff of my pants don't fall correctly or I'm not wearing something the way the current trend is. You suck and have some issues with how people see you or see the couple.
I'm not for show and neither are you, I'm not looking for outside beauty, you could be a supermodel and your horrible personality will make you unattractive instantly.
(sorry for my mini rant) 🙊
So why is this coming up now? I'm currently in a place creatively where I let go and let God guide me, I continue to be active and try and do the things that keep my mind right.
So am I currently forcing my will to not get close to women because I have some sort of fear? Am I stopping myself from actually developing lasting friendships with women because deep down I crave for the marriage, kids and white picket fence and might overlook real signs of compatibility and go straight to there's "Potential" and that's good enough. Who knows, but it's worth me talking about it and bringing it out into the universe and trusting I will be guided towards my answer.
So today I will embrace my shyness and sprinkle a little confidence and try my best to also smile (or wink) at the beautiful women that make eye contact with me that would normally force me to cringe and get nervous. I will be more aware and get that confidence to match my selfies and new haircut.
Love & Serenity,