So whats happened over the last month that has stopped me from writing my blog? I guess if I'm honest, a bit of life, some good, some uneventful and then Bali, this amazing opportunity. I enjoyed some time in Australia for my birthday and caught up with friends I've missed over the last few months. I've also noticed I just haven't had much to talk about, at least anything inspirational. I had a process for my blogs and posts, I found objects, I took long adventurous walks that would lead me to an image that spoke to me. An image that possibly reflected my life that week, a sign that assured me I was on the right path.
Images and objects I'm sure are there but my eyes aren't open, my being is just not accepting. This is a sign that my mind isn't right, a slight spiral into hurt feelings and pity. All normal and part of the process but just a pain in my butt, I want to be creative all the time. I want to shrug off hurtful words from hurtful people, I want to be that expert that can shut off my emotions when they don't suit me.
But then again, I don't. I like being real. I like and respect myself for who I am, I enjoy listening to others and helping. As much as I don't enjoy crying when I'm hurt, the other person becomes the example of how don't want to be. So I become better, I learn and for the last 1 year 7 months and 14 days If I was ever unsure on how to react or what to say or do when life happens, I asked someone first.
Even now, right at this moment I want to just stop writing. I'm searching for that uplifting rise from the ashes end to this blog but cant seem to find it. So let's tell you what the problem really is. I'm hurt, words for me hurt the most. Certain bad language and degrading words make me cringe but hurt to the core of me when they come from people that are supposed love me the most. I've completely had to eliminate one person from my life that did this to me every chance he got, I've forgiven him as much as I can but he no longer be a part of my life.
I really thought "There's no way at almost 2 years sober someone would speak about me with such language, or would continue to talk about me that way to others, and would continue to put down what I do." but it has and I guess from what I'm told it will possibly continue for the rest of my life.
So all I can do Is strengthen my core, I don't mean to the point of building a wall but continuing to build on what I've got. Learning to let go of expectations and removing myself from those situations that cause damage.
I strengthen my spiritual core everyday, the one that reminds me if I want change I can't lie to myself. If I say something about someone, I can try and convince them it's not true but I can't lie to myself. My connection to my higher power guides everything I do, so it needs to be strong.
I strengthen my mental core by not thinking, let me clarify. Went I'm hurt, or worry, I can live in my head creating disasters, anger, resentments, worry, pity. I'll find myself living in the past and worrying about the future, my head might find a way to make me isolate and thats never good. So I don't stay in that mode for very long before I know I need to pick up the phone, maybe stand up and physically shake it off, I have also stood in front of the mirror and said "Did it kill you? No."
The picture above was taken right after my feelings were hurt to the core, years of hurt flooded in. I was shocked, embarrassed, angry, disappointed. I picked up the phone and spoke to my sponsor, physically shook it off and did my morning workout.
I end this blog by saying I just paused and stood in front of the mirror and said "Did it kill you? No, remember where you were and how far you've come." Words will hurt but they won't kill you. Then I got on my knees and prayed, and asked for help removing resentments, forgiving, then gave thanks.
I have been flooded with kind words, offers, support, and much more especially over the last 19 months. I will not let the few bad words overshadow the thousands of good ones.
A friend randomly sent me a song last year and said "Jamie, Turn your magic on, everything you want is a dream away" "You're a diamond taking shape" That changed my life, it gave me hope and today still uplifts me when I hear the song. I wanted to make sure I could pass it on so I added "You're a diamond taking shape." to my business cards so everyone who got it would know they were too.
So, be kind with your words, especially towards the ones you love. I have been given a gift to use my words to uplift others, I will always tell you anything is possible, and I'll help show you if I can. I've finally learned how to say that to myself and I've made it my daily reminder.
Peace & Serenity, Jamie