My second cry since December 2020
I would have never known I was on an emotional rollercoaster all this time had I not taken this last week to go over my life since November. First off my hormones have probably been all over the place since the beginning of 2019, but at that time I had no way of getting medical care that would count in Indonesia.
Since my diagnoses of breast cancer on November 3rd, I have been cool, calm and collected as best as I could. My way of coping was a new relationship, and diving into as much work as I could. Over the next month as I got closer to my surgery date in December it finally hit me that I had cancer. Knowing in my gut that I would survive, I couldn’t stop what would be my first emotional full on cry. Letting this out I believed that was all I needed, now I could do what I do best; conquer the world. And I did, for a second.
On December 8th, I went into surgery. The new girlfriend and my sponsor would be outside waiting for me when it was all over. I walked out, giddy, starving and feeling no pain. Grateful, that I didn’t have to do this alone. Ignoring advice to eat a light meal, I made my way to Chick-fil-A and ordered lots of chicken nuggets and fries. I truly believe the food from there has never tasted as good as that day after my surgery. I was full and in no pain, It was my lazy day to recover. Of course that would not last long, by day two I had to be active, and why not, I wasn’t feeling any pain and I don’t like feeling like I’m taking advantage of a situation. If I can do then I should do.
Anyway, my journey through December, January and February would reveal I had no preparation or guidance on how I would react to things during this time. My best was not the best for what I was about to experience, and with that, apparently it’s all normal according to the cancer center.
So my second cry was not really a full on cry, but it happened earlier today. Today, like every day the past 3 weeks I have had some strong emotions and never really being able to put my finger on the cause. Feeling uneasy about cancer, not feeling balanced, always having this feeling of needing space or isolation, all the things someone strong does not want to feel. As problems arose, my defense was simple, it would have nothing to do with cancer and everything to do with regular life. Turns out I was wrong.
First off, my emotions have been heightened lately from people trying to convince me that I don’t play a part in the problems in my life as much as the other person. This hasn’t helped me lately and I’ve found it hard to engage in conversation. I’ve never really liked being surrounded by always agreeable people. I’ve been an emotional mess and I’m sure I can trigger things in other people that will absolutely make things worse. I can still recognize that even with my faults if something isn’t good it doesn’t mean I should stick around. I don’t grow around people that just agree to everything, I like my beliefs or feelings to be challenged, but I really appreciate the ones that just listen. And over this last month my mind and emotions have been in a place I’m unfamiliar with. Sometimes, I have to just talk in circles to someone else long enough to come up with my own solutions, and the ones that are willing to understand that and stick around are blessings. I’ve had a ton of blessings this month.
Today I couldn’t catch my breath, a wave of what felt like depression hit, and even though it wasn’t anywhere near what I felt in the past it was still massively uncomfortable. I just wanted the pill that would stop me from feeling anything, who would I call? Kaiser? the cancer treatment center? a friend?. After a few hours of not being productive I chose to call the cancer center, I was cool and collected and said I don’t want to take the tamoxifen pills they prescribed to reduce my chances of getting cancer again. She asked why and I said, because I’m feeling down and this medication can make me feel worse and I don’t want that. I was convinced that I would feel better going through another round of cancer treatment in the future than going through years of massive side effects like emotional instability, weight gain, bone loss, memory problems, and the list goes on.
As I was talking to the cancer specialist, she stopped me and just went down the feelings we may experience when getting a diagnosis, mine specifically. She said you came in thinking you were getting just a secondary test to make sure there was no problem, then we asked you to come in the next morning for a biopsy, then a week later you were told you had cancer, then a month later you had surgery, all of this without a moment to fully grasp that you had cancer and now being a cancer survivor. So now you have radiation treatment and it’s affecting you physically and emotionally, fatigue has kicked in and all that you normally do to cope you’re unable to anymore. This is when I couldn’t stop crying, this is when I actually acknowledged that yes, I was strong but I was also not allowing myself to be “not ok” and to just say I’m not ok to the people around me.
As little or as much as I do since this whole thing has started is ok, I’m ok not being ok. What I’ve done or felt was ok, and where I’m at is ok. I give myself the necessary credit that even through all of my emotions I just kept showing up even when I didn’t want to. I’m doing it today and it’s hard, right at this moment writing this is hard. I don’t need to get a bunch of calls to talk because I’m still having a hard time putting things into words that make sense. I love texts that I can respond to with a thank you, which I have received plenty of over the last few months.
Today I really needed to acknowledge that I had cancer and now I have to do the work as a cancer survivor. This means I have to learn to let go of the fear that I could get this again in the future. There is so much more to this diagnoses and journey that I wasn’t expecting but just like all my experiences in life, the lesson is always the same. Stay right here, right now and do the best you can with love and kindness.
Peace and serenity,
Jamie
