I used to isolate and I still have moments when I just prefer to be alone, sometimes this is good and sometimes it can be destructive, I often pray to have the wisdom to know the difference. I spend a lot of time facing myself now, from standing in front of the mirror repeating positive affirmations, to staring at the smallest changes to my face as I get older.
The first time someone told me to close my eyes and repeat "I love myself" I nearly lost it. The amount of sobbing that happened just because I didn't feel worthy enough to be loved by me. I had built a wall around everything.
I learned that I was blocked, my creativity couldn't flourish because I wasn't good enough, every idea i've had would end at some point because of my fear of success, I never loved myself fully because I was craving it from others far more. I surrounded myself with people who were just like me and people who I wanted to be just like, but I never thought that I had to find out who I really was. I was now starting from scratch.
Who is Jamie?
So I ask the question this week
'When it's just you facing you, what do you say?'
What do you say?, do you tell yourself about your day, do you regret something you might have said about someone and say 'I'm sorry', do you say 'You did a great job today', how about 'I'm grateful for all I am' or are these things we expect from others. I started having these conversations daily, to myself and in my shares, I started being honest about the changes in me and my experiences with people I trusted. Because I was able to practice these daily affirmations something started to happen in me and there was a change in my thinking, my negative thoughts were now being replaced with words of hope and possibilities, learning to love and appreciate my flaws instead of hating my lack of accomplishments.
So today I realized that just because you know something and fix it or make it better, that in no way means its perfect. For me this is and will always be a daily practice to say 'I love you Jamie, I love how much you've grown, I love your art, I love your recovery, I love your character, I love your kindness, I love your courage, I love your willingness, I love your vulnerability, I love the sparkle in your eyes, I love your hair, hands, wrinkles, I love not being perfect, I love how I see myself and not how I think others do and I keep going. The point is, 16 months ago I couldn't name one thing, my mind could not comprehend the question.
Everything I was afraid of was right inside of me, it wasn't anyone else, it was about being alone and not being loved, and maybe not being good enough and believing that my life was a bag full of regrets, it was living in the falsehood of my thoughts. A neighborhood I stay clear of at all costs now, because its a dangerous place. The fact is my mind can create it's own reality if I let it. Today I choose to live in this reality, the one that takes me on adventures, the one that allows me to enjoy today with new people across the world.
This was one of my many views on Monday March 13th, a day I spent with an amazing woman who showed me places I couldn't get to by a tram. How lucky am I to have someone be excited to see me be happy with just a simple drive and walk, to have the patience to stop and just watch me take in the scenery with my camera, sit with me in silence and people watch. An opportunity I would have denied myself prior to loving myself, I have opened myself up to taking chances, meeting new people, traveling further, and enjoying a moment to its fullest. I was told I had given much more than I could possibly realize, and I say Ditto...thats what this journey is all about.
Give all of yourself always and don't let the the past rob you of who you are. Grow, be free, be positive, be kind, be loving to yourself first.
Then stop and cherish the moments in your day that you might not have seen as significant, like:
- The extra bounce from the ground you get to enjoy when walking through the playground.
- The few minutes you took to kneel down and acknowledge how blessed you are to be where you are.
- How it felt to place your'e feet down on the damp grass, sit and listened to the children laugh.
- Listening to a conversation between a mother and son that makes you smile and wish you had the same.
Because no matter what you think we naturally choose to focus on the guy who cut us off on the road, or a situation that didn't go our way. I'm still learning and practicing to not let these types of things takeover the many magnificent moments that actually happened during my day. I'm am forever grateful for all the people in my life who will always be a part of my story.
Today Stand in front of the mirror and say "I love you, you are one amazing human'. Because you are ❤
Love & Serenity, Jamie