Mourning The Unexpected Parent - RIP 12/3/19

On December 3rd, 2019, Gene A. Williams died in Thailand. He was waiting for me to return his call to congratulate me on 4 years of sobriety and to check on me and my move to the States; I never got a chance to tell him.

Here’s the back story to who Gene is to me. Some time ago, I want to say early 2000’s my mother married Gene. I might have spoken to him a bit at the wedding and maybe over the years, I really can’t remember any of the conversations and I was living in California, so there was no need to really engage. I didn’t know this man and at the time I didn’t feel like any of my family wanted to know anything about my life.

Years pass and they split and eventually divorced. Gene started following me on Instagram about 5 years ago and would randomly like my posts but wouldn’t engage in conversation. Apparently, during this time he was suffering from an illness due to being in the vicinity of 911 and after a quick move to Canada, he moved to Thailand about 3 years ago shortly before I moved to Bali.

This is when everything changed. I was on this life journey of recovery, finding myself and learning boundaries. I was looking to develop healthy relationships and at the time I only had one healthy relationship as a reference. I definitely didn’t have a healthy parental figure and didn’t even know how to have a normal daughter parent conversation. What do I discuss?

I guess during this time Gene was also on his own journey of recovery and was watching me, observant of every accomplishment, anniversary, mishap and bump in the road that I was experiencing. He was no longer silent but became involved. He messaged me more, asked me questions and shared his story with me. He didn’t just want to hear my voice but wanted to see my face. So FaceTime conversations for 2+ hours became our thing.

We now lived in almost the same time zone, our experiences in Bali and Thailand were similar. He called to tell me when he ran into a snake and to tell me to be careful. He called to tell me how beautiful a picture of mine came out that I had taken on my Nikon, and gave me some tips on editing. He never missed a sober birthday that I was celebrating, and he always encouraged me to appreciate my gifts and what I could offer.

He always happened to call on a day I needed to talk. Randomness became my higher power intervening. I no longer referenced Gene to others with some complicated story but as ‘My dad’. If I struggled with something I just picked up the phone to call him. He never judged me on my past but instead related to it, he shared his stories with me and his own addictions and struggles. He was a real person, flawed like us all and willing to share it with another human.

I don’t know if he knew he was going to die but I do believe he knew I never experienced a healthy relationship with my parents and decided to become of service to me. He gave me something I will never forget, something I thought at almost 50 years old I would never get. Besides my grandmother, I had never felt an unconditional love like he showed me over the last 3 years while I was in Bali.

I have picked up every FaceTime call and if I couldn’t, I immediately called him back. This last time he called me was on my 4 year sobriety birthday on November 13th at almost midnight, I was so sleepy and I wanted so bad to pick up the phone but instead, I immediately text him back. I said I would call him back the next day, a few days passed and I got super busy with work. I kept thinking I need to call, and that being in the States is so different from Bali, there was always time to stop in Bali.

I was now about to travel to New York and I knew I would be in vacation mode at some point and I could call him there, but I wasn’t really happy about going. I was physically and mentally not wanting to go to NY and almost changed my mind. But pushing through it I went, I arrived at my grandmother’s and within an hour was told that Gene had died. Everything stopped.

FUCK! This is not real.

With waves of sadness hitting me throughout the days, I did everything I could to just push it aside until I was ready. Today I’m ready.

Gene enjoyed his last few years the way he wanted to live. Stress-free, living on a beautiful Island, married and doing what he loved.

I want to leave this year writing him a letter.

Dear Dad,

The first time I had no idea what to say or what we would talk about, but I was open to it. I guess I immediately felt a parental relationship, it came out in how you spoke to me and how I listened. Whenever your FaceTime call was coming in I would smile, not just a regular smile, a large smile, a heart smile. I knew that whatever I was doing would have to wait a few hours. I loved walking you around the property and showing what I was up to.

When I celebrated 2 years you called me and reminded me how strong I was, how talented I am and how much I had to offer and accomplish. You were the relationship I craved for so long. Not complicated, just simple back and forth conversation. You sharing your experience with me showed a vulnerability I needed to see from a parent figure. You gave me an experience I just thought I would never have, even if it was only 3 years, it was the best 3 years I could ever ask for.

Thank you for unexpectantly showing up in my life and for giving me this gift. I will forever remember you and pass this gift forward when I have the opportunity.

I love you dad. Always.

Mucho Love, Jamillah